Once you get to the point of no return in your marriage and you are contemplating divorce, the key points of your spouse's attraction are no longer significant. It no longer matters that they had the ability to make you laugh, or that they were good in the sack.

Maslow's Hierarchy of a human's needs, simplified, starts first with food and shelter, feeling safe, feeling loved, self-esteem and recognition, and lastly a desire to become the most you can be.

But, an abusive narcissist can make you feel like all of your hierarchy needs are indeed being met, all while cheating on you, verbally abusing you, physically assaulting you, gas lighting you, isolating you, and making you believe that you cannot survive without them.

Your spouse can make you achieve this false sense of security by paying the rent, protecting of the home, giving you a family, love bombing you, and lastly on the hierarchy needs, allowing you to feel accomplished merely by being married.

Although in theory, your needs are being met. You are not happy. How is this possible to have every basic need met, but you feel empty, lost, trapped?

That is because the description of those needs are subjective. I can describe a narcissistic, love bombing partner who is falsely appearing to check off the list of needs or I can describe a healthy relationship with completely different characteristics and the same needs are technically being met. Rent is paid, they protect you from danger, they make you feel loved and connected, they make you self respect, and fulfilled in life.

Let's break this down a little more in depth.

Starting with Maslow's first need, shelter. This need is our greatest. Your narcissist partner can provide you with a home, yes. But they could also hold the home over your head, threaten to kick you out of the home, scare you with thoughts of not being able to afford your own home if you leave. Therefor this need is not actually being met.

Our second need, safety. Your spouse could stop an intruder from harming you if your home was broken into. They could physically protect you from harm from others, yes. But they could also be the very person you need protection from.

Our next need, belonging. Who are you if you are not a wife or a partner? This feeling has been in bedded into our thoughts since childhood. We must be a family unit to be whole. But what if that family unit is toxic? Where do we belong then? Although this is only the third highest need, it is the hardest to maintain. This desire is what keeps us with an abuser.

The need next on the pyramid, self-esteem. Many narcissist often engage in love bombing and this could take place after an abusive event. Your partner uses this technique as either an apology or a way to make themselves feel less guilty for the harm that they just caused you. In the moment, as a narcissist victim, this love bombing can feel euphoric or at minimum, just good. This "good" feeling gives a temporary sense of self-esteem.

Being married makes us feel accomplished. This is last on the list of needs but could be the biggest reason that we do not leave our narcissist partner sooner. Who wants to announce to their friends and family that their marriage failed? If we stay, maybe we can fix our partner. Maybe we can learn to live with the abuse. Anything is better than failing. The abuse is easier and more familiar than starting over. Than being judged. Than losing our accomplishment.